Emmett's BlogSpot
by michellepittmanblack
Summary: Emmett's first attempt at creating and keeping up a blog...my first stab at getting in Emmett's head
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **While this story is mine (well, obviously other than the characters…they belong to the lovely Stephanie Meyer) I got the idea from SulpiciaDoesn'tApprove who wrote The Diary of Jane (which, you should definitely read – I LOVE it – she is truly amazing at how she writes Jane)…hopefully she agrees that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery… **Life According to Emmett…**

My name is Emmett Cullen…I'm married and I have two brothers, two sisters, an adorable little niece, great parents and a pet dog…well…quite a few pet dogs actually – enormously large wolf-looking dogs that consistently stink…not even bathing them in the river by our house seems to help with the stench…really pissed the dog off when we tried though!

Age? 20 years of age…no older…not at all…despite the fact I am built like a brick you know what house, this fine piece of hotness is only 20…so eat your hearts out cougars…

I live in Forks, Washington – yeah, it's rainy but the wildlife? Mountain lions, bobcats and bears…oh hell yeah!

About me? Hmmm…aren't all of these question about me? Who's really going to read this anyway? Oh well…like I said, I'm Emmett and I just happen to be the best looking he-man you'll ever see…I'm married to the world's most beautiful woman and the love of my life (I am not whipped – if you could see what my Rose can do to a car engine, you would say the exact same thing too!!!)…I love my family…hands down – they're the best family anyone could ask for. They include:

Rosalie – my beautiful wife…dude – seriously – she is STUNNING – legs miles long, gorgeous blond hair, AND a genius mechanic! I fell in love the first moment I met her and no words I say could possible do her justice in any way…

Eddie – my baby bro – little shit is the biggest cheater at wrestling and he tends to overreact and go crazy about _Bella_ at times (not so much anymore thank goodness – she's a bit more, um, durable, that's it – durable) but I wouldn't trade him for the world…

Bella – my sis-in-law and Eddie's wife…she's one of my favorite people (hehehehe) ever – even if she is freakishly strong for being a _girl_…just don't ask about her sex life (sheesh, I mean, hello – we're all married and adults – what the heck?) or she WILL beat the living crap out of you (and since her and Rose are so tight these days, Rose won't even do _anything_ to scare her for me…it almost makes me miss the days of Rose hating her)…she does have slightly weird tastes in friends but she's probably one of the bravest people I've ever known…

Nessie – my niece – and I LOVE her…she is the cutest little thing you've ever seen in your life…and I am her favorite uncle – hands down (sorry Jazz but you know it's true!)…the kid can eat _anything_ – I can't _wait_ until she's old enough (or at least looks old enough) to see if she can get drunk (oops – did I write that? Better keep THAT thought out of my head or else I'll have Bella, Edward AND Rosie on my ass)…she has definitely inherited her mom's temper and fondness for oddballs though…

Alice – my sister – I think she might come up to my hip if she's lucky – she reminds me of a dark haired Tinkerbell (please don't tell her I said that ~ she can be down right conniving and Jazz tends to do whatever she asks – I don't really feel like walking around feeling 'oh so pretty' _ever_ again…stinking emo comedian)…I guess you could also say she's on the intuitive side (boy is THAT ever an understatement)…

Jasper – the aforementioned stinking emo comedian…and I am _not_ still mad at him for beating me at wrestling last night…even though _I _personally think it's _cheating_ to make your opponent feel so tired he passes out in the middle of the match…or to give the said opponent _that loving feeling_ – hmph…

Carlisle – my adoptive dad…he's the strongest, bravest, smartest, and kindest person I know…I thank him every day for giving me my life

Esme – my adoptive mom…she's is the personification of love…I am very lucky to have her because I can't imagine that my biological mom could have loved me more than Esme does…

And finally…

Jake – the family dog…what can I say? He stinks, never stops eating and drives Rosie nuts, but he is a surprisingly loyal mutt…and the best guard dog possible for Nessie…

What do I like? Grizzly hunting, mountain lion hunting, deer hunting, camping, running, playing pranks, playing on the computer, playing Guitar Hero, basically playing any video game (I just wish they'd make those darn controllers a little stronger – I go thru about two or three a week – grrr), wrestling, annoying Edward, embarrassing Bella, and surprisingly…hanging with Charlie…he's pretty cool for a huma…I mean old guy.

What do I dislike? Hmmmm…not too much to be honest…oh wait – I was wrong…I friggin _hate_ Italians…especially Italians who reside in Voltera (however the heck you spell that stupid ass city)…_especially_ Volterians (ha – Voltera + Martians = Volterians – hahahahahaha) with names like Jane, Alec, Dimitri, Felix, Aro, Marcus, Caius, etc. – you get my drift…

So there you have it – Emmett Cullen – and I rock (how do I know – because Guitar Hero says so!)…well, I guess that's all – more blogging later!


	2. Chapter 2

OH MY FREAKING GOSH!

Today was the best...day...EVER!

Well, i know in my whole All About Me section i said i only have one pet dog (remember? the stinky and smelly Jake?)...yeah...not really a dog...it's kind of an inside story b/w my family and the pa-i mean jake and his friends...the one is a royal bitch...and when i mean bitch, i mean a literal female dog...with a really bitchy attitude...and that one? Man...she HATES Bella...not really sure why, but it's pretty obvious...the minute she lays EYES on Bells she starts growling and getting her hackles and shit up...um...i mean she gets all schizoid and rude...the other pup-i mean kid is Leah's younger brother Seth...who, i unfortunately have to say for the record...is one of the funniest kids i've ever met...and he's actually not a dick...

Well...Leah is a super ridiculously over-protective big sister (well, not really big because she's a lot smaller than Seth, but...wait - why am I rambling about her size?)...anytime HE comes over to hang out (he really seems to like Eddie and Bella and Nessie and Alice...well, basically all of us - well, all of us but Jazz - i think Jazz freaks him out a little), big bitchy sister comes too...he likes to come in the house and hang out (i'm telling you, Esme - for not eating very much herself - hehehehe - she's the BEST COOK EVER and yes, i typed that in all caps because that's exactly what it sounds like every time Seth mentions her cooking and he mentions it something like 100 times every time she cooks for him)...well, i guess Leah is attempting to go to college - she's managed to get her phasing, i mean crazy schizoid mood changes under control and since Carlisle is really big on school (you wouldn't be-LIEVE how many times he's made ME go to school - for like the last 70 something years - um - wait - nevermind - it hasn't really been that many years because that's just ridiculous and impossible - i mean, that's just what it FEELS like - yeah - that's it)...to show his gratitude to Leah for being such a good friend to Jake and other various and assorted stupid reasons, blah blah blah, he's offered to pay for her schooling. Man - she must really, really, REALLY want to go to school since she's actually letting Dr. Fang (yeah - no idea where she came up with that nickname) pay for it...wait...where was i? i swear - this ISN'T the story i was going to tell...

ANYWAYS...Seth managed to come over to hang out without his bitchy sister and even way cooler? JAKE wasn't even there...he went on a hunting trip with Eddie, Bella and Nessie...so...we're hanging out on the couch - oh - i forgot - Seth (and Leah and Jakie Poo) is a Quilute Indian person - and Quilute Indian people generally don't like us Cullens - i don't know - maybe they're racist against really white people or something (hahahahahaha), but anyway, they normally won't even be within the same 10 MILES as us - they're that ridiculous...i mean - these people actually wanted to come and KILL my niece Nessie just because she was HALF vam-i mean really white person - crazy, right? But Seth is way cooler than most - he was sitting by me on the couch playing some random video game and stuffing his face with pizza. Jazz was over chilling on the chair pretending to read or something - but he wasn't - he was actually watching us play so that he could figure out a way to cheat so he could beat me at it later - hey Jazz? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Yeah - you can't beat me since you can't manipulate my little computer guys into thinking THEY'RE tired or in the mood or something - how do you like THEM apples - HA!

Man...i really digress A LOT! anyways...Seth asked me if i had ever been drunk...i was like, um, hell YEAH...who HASN'T been drunk? and you know what? he's NEVER been drunk - seriously! the kid LIVES on an indian reservation, has pretty much NO rules to follow (other than really lame ones Jakie Poo gives him), and he's never been drunk. Well, we figured that it was an OPPORTUNE moment to help Seth achieve that goal. Rosie and Alice were out of town shopping...Puritanical Eddie and his bride (and Jakie Poo) were all gone hunting...Carlisle and Esme were...hmmm...we didn't actually know WHERE they were, but oh well - moot point. We decided to go to the store and buy some al-CO-hol! Even better, Jazz decided to come with us...i think he gets the feeling (hehehehehe) that Seth is kind of scared of him and, like everyone in the world, likes me better and it's driving him crazy...and it's a perfect opportunity for him to try and prove that he's just as cool as i am (yeah right, but hey - at least he wasn't going to tattle on us or anything)...

so...we went to the store and got something like TEN bottles of tequila and a bunch of limes and salt. We also had to buy some shot glasses since Carlisle doesn't "approve" of drinking...so...we get back to the house and pour Seth some monster shots...holy HELL can that boy throw it back! after a couple of shots, he said he felt, and i quote, super amazingly awesome. And then he drank more...and more...and more...he drank 2 ENTIRE bottles! i mean, i would have worried about alcohol poisoning, but his body has this weird thing that it heals itself, so he was drunk but not obnoxious puking drunk...and then we heard someone walking around outside...LEAH! Seth got the GREATEST IDEA EVER! he said he was going to start acting like he was coming out to us and he was going to start declaring his love to Jazz...GREATEST IDEA EVER! Why? Because a. the look on Jazz's face when Seth TOLD him about it was priceless enough, b. Leah would probably think that Jazz was manipulating Seth's emotions to feel that (because you know, every vam-i mean, super cool emo guy who can manipulate the emotions of those around them wants a stinky ass 15 to 16 year old kid to be in love with them), and c. Leah is going to blow a GASKET - i was seriously laughing my ass off...SERIOUSLY! so here is how it basically went:

S - Hey Jas-hiccup-per?  
J - Yes Seth?  
S - Can i tell you something? I mean, something really really big?  
J - I guess - what is it?  
S - I don't know how (hiccup) you're going to take this, but...um...shit...i don't know how to say it...  
J - Just spit it out mutt boy  
L - Seth? Seth? Are you IN THE CRYPT? by YOURSELF? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? GET OUT HERE! The one you're talking to? He's the freaking HUNGRY one!  
S - I just can't take it - every time i see you - i mean...do you ever feel...um...  
J - What the hell is that emotion coming from you? is that LUST? ARE...YOU...KIDDING (i have to admit - i was pretty impressed w/how good emo Jazz was going along w/it - it's not like he's KNOWN for his sense of humor or anything)  
S - I can't HELP it - i...i...i think i imprinted on you!  
L - WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO THAT LEECH?  
J - Um Seth - you know I really like you and I'm really flattered, but...  
S - but WHAT? Alice is just a little girl - I'm a big strong man (do you have any idea HOW FREAKING HARD it was to NOT bust out laughing at THIS line?) - I can do things that you know she can't  
L - THAT IS IT! I'M COMING INTO THE FREAKING HOUSE OF HORRORS...UN-EFFING-BELIEVABLE - effing Jake imprints on a damn satan spawn, and my brother - there is NO way...LEECH! you TOUCH him and i will RIP your head off...

and then Seth flipping JUMPED ONTO THE COUCH AND SAT IN JAZZ'S LAP - SERIOUSLY! OMG - it was freaking HILARIOUS! the look of utter disgust on Jazz's face - the look on Leah's face when she BROKE DOWN the door...i was literally rolling on the floor LAUGHING my ASS off! it was hilarious - well then Leah went off on Jazz, calling him a sick pervert for leading on a 15 year old kid, blah blah blah...Seth was just sitting in his lap gazing at him with this crazy look of adoration on his face (dude - the kid needs to go to hollywood asap!) - and then he just lost it - he fell off of Jazz and was rolling on the floor laughing with me - it...was...EPIC!

The look on her face was glorious - it really was - i have NEVER seen anyone turn so red EVER...i mean - she was even redder than i've ever seen bella - even back when she could blush...it was HILARIOUS...well - i thought we were going to see a big ball of hair appear out of nowhere but she smelled or saw the tequila or something...so she stomped over to the table, took a bottle and stormed out of the house - muttering nonsense about leeches and immature jackasses and such...

so - that is my blog about the funniest day ever - well - so far - we still have a couple of bottles of tequila left for seth so hopefully he'll be back to finish those soon...


End file.
